Naraku the Family Man
by chatnoir1
Summary: A bit of fluff. A peek at Naraku's life at home. Part of my continuing series of fics torturing Naraku-chan. More to come.
1. Family dysfunction

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Inuyasha. That means I don't own Naraku, but I can still have some fun with him. No one pays me for this.

Crash, crash, crash, crash. A short pause. Crash, crash, crash, crash. Then ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk. Each ker-chunk sent waves of pain through his head. Growling, Naraku pulled on a pair of pants and went to investigate. He found Kohaku practicing with his blade in the courtyard.

"Konnichiwa, Naraku-sama."

"I thought I asked you not to practice with that thing during the morning hours."

"Hai. But it is afternoon."

"Sou ka?"

"Hai, Naraku-sama."

"Oh. Then why don't you take that and go hunt something for dinner. Anything but rabbit."

"Hai, Naraku-sama." Kohaku bowed and left. Naraku decided to make some tea and check on the rest of his "family". There was an awful stench coming from Kanna's room.

"Kanna, have you been collecting dead things again?" Kanna looked at the floor. "I thought we had discussed this. No more dead pets. Throw them out. If I find them in here again, I will have Kagura give you a make-over." (A.N. A term Naraku picked up from one of Kagome's magazines, he had no idea what it meant, but judging from the accompanying pictures, he assumed it to be some form of torture involving beauty products. He had filed the information away as something he might use on Sesshomaru some day)

"Hai, Naraku-sama."

As he expected, Naraku found Kagura painting yet another coat of lacquer on her nails. He had no doubt she was plotting his demise as well. "Kagura." She looked up at him. "I have a task for you later this evening. It would be in your best interest to complete it to my satisfaction. Unless you want to permanently share your living quarters with the Saimyoushou."

"Hai, Naraku-sama." Fucking bakayarou. She had made other plans for the evening, providing she could avoid being chained to the wall in the dungeon. Naraku had been chaining her there every night or when he left the castle. Punishment for having assisted Kagome in her little revenge on him. Kami, she hated him.

"Kohaku has gone out to find something for dinner. You will have cook duty. I don't want Kanna poisoning us all again."

"That's my big mission?"

"No, I will tell you about that later."

Kagura returned to her plotting and lacquering. Cook duty wouldn't be so bad, just so long as it wasn't fish. The smell was almost impossible to wash completely off and she did not want to offend Sesshomaru's delicate sense of smell.

Naraku was meditating when Kohaku returned and the yelling started. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He got up and walked into the kitchen just in time to see Kagura hit Kohaku in the face with a rather large fish. Now, Kohaku wasn't someone who showed a lot of emotion, but even a zombie has to draw the line somewhere. And for Kohaku, that line was being hit with a fish. He threw his blade at Kagura, taking off her right earring. Kagura was reaching for her fan and Kanna was trying to sneak the fish off to her room, when Naraku decided he needed to take some action.

"YAMERO!!" They all stopped and looked at him. Kanna tried to hide the fish behind her mirror. "What is the fucking problem?"

"Kohaku brought back fish."

"And..?"

"They stink. I do not want to stink."

"Why should you care?" Naraku raised an eyebrow.

"You said something about a mission. I can't be stealthy if anyone can smell me a half league away."

"True. Kohaku, you will prepare the fish, Kagura will prepare the vegetables."

"Hai, Naraku-sama."

"Put the fish back with the others Kanna." Kanna put back the fish she had been hiding behind her mirror. Naraku went to sit by the window and look out at the sunset. Kanna joined him.

"Naraku-sama?"

"What, Kanna."

"If I take the flesh off the animals I find, can I keep the bones? The bones won't stink."

"Hai." Naraku looked at the pale, unsmiling little girl in white. Most parents had to deal with their kids bringing home stray animals, dogs or cats. His child brought home dead animals, which she regarded as her pets. Such a strange child. He wondered which of the youkai in him she took after. He smiled slightly, bemused. Kanna and Kagura were his offspring, but they were more tools than family. He would not feel any remorse over killing Kagura. Kanna, on the other hand, he might feel a twinge of regret about. Well, maybe more than a twinge. He turned once again to the window and gazed outwards, until Kohaku came in to say dinner was ready.

Naraku, was of course, served first. Then Kagura served the others. She made a point of putting only vegetables in her bowl.

"You are dishonoring my fish." Kohaku said in a monotone, looking at her with his blank eyes. "They sacrificed their lives to feed us. You should eat them." He picked up his blade and started to toy with it.

"I don't like fish."

"Urusai, na!" Naraku glared at both of them. "Give me the blade, Kohaku. Kagura, eat the damned fish." Kagura took the smallest pieces she could find and made a point to remember to grab some fresh mint before she left. She knew Sesshomaru was a terrible gossip and the last thing she wanted to be known as was "fish breath". They finished the rest of the meal in silence.

"Come with me Kagura and I will explain your mission." She followed him out to the courtyard.

"You are to collect hairs from Kagome and Sango. Kikyo if possible, but I am most interested in the first two. I will require several."

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"That is not my problem." He handed her two ribbons. "Use the red one for Sango and the green one for Kagome. I need to keep them seperated. I will not accept failure this time and I will be monitoring you with both Kanna's mirror and the Saimyoushou."

"Hai, Naraku-sama." Kagura took a feather, created transport and she was off. Naraku went back inside and poured himself another cup of tea. Kanna sat in front of him with her mirror and Kohaku sat next to his right side. Showtime.

********

Kagura found Kagome's backpack in Kaede's cottage, with no one around. She also found a small bundle belonging to Sango. She obtained hairs from one of Sango's combs and the some from Kagome's brush. It was still a bit early for Sesshomaru to be out, so she followed some Shinidamachuu until she came to Kikyo.

"Konbanwa, Kikyo-san. You haven't seen Sesshomaru have you?"

"No, but I have seen the child and that toad, Jaken. What is with the hair? Wait, let me guess. Naraku-chan must be plotting again." Kikyo rolled her eyes. "The earth trembles in fear. Did he ask for mine as well?"

"Hai."

"I wonder what he is up to, I should go pay him a visit. I've found the new residence, you know."

_Back at Naraku's castle, a loud "Kuso!!" was heard_

"Well, this is the first night I've had out since our little revenge, so I'm going to find Sesshy and make the most of it. Ja ne."

"Ja ne."

Back at his castle, Naraku abruptly stood up and left the room. He returned with a bottle of plum wine. Damned dead bitch was going to turn him into an alcoholic. Kohaku went out to practice his blade throwing under the moonlight. Naraku watched through Kanna's mirror as Kagura finally caught up with Sesshomaru and they celebrated their reunion. On the grass. Then standing up with Kagura's back braced against a tree. Then on the grass again. Then from behind, with Kagura draped over a boulder. Then once more on the grass. Sesshomaru had told him the truth, when they had met by the river, Kagura was indeed a screamer. Sesshomaru wasn't much of a post-coital cuddler, so after he had exhausted himself, he stood, dressed and left. Kagura followed soon after.

Naraku was waiting for Kagura in the courtyard when she returned. "You have grass in your hair." He reached towards her and Kagura flinched as he plucked a blade. Naraku just smiled. "And I see you have completed your mission, for the most part. You missed a chance to get hair from Kikyo and for that I am afraid you will have to be punished." He grabbed the protesting Kagura, dragged her to the dungeon and chained her up. "Have a nice night."

********

"Kanna?"

"Hai, Naraku-sama."

"Bring me those kugutsu you carved." Kanna did so. "These are very nice. Almost as good as the ones I make. That will be all, Kanna, you are excused. I have no further need of your mirror tonight." Naraku smiled. This was going to be fun.

_Owari_


	2. The Bitch is Back

Dislcaimer: I don't own the rights to the characters but I own the deluxe Inuyasha plushie, the Naraku figure, the import dvds, an Inuyasha wall scroll and a t-shirt. I'm a bit Inyu-obsessed, lol. I write this for fun.

Naraku rolled over in his sleep. Part of his brain noticed that his futon had suddenly become softer, and more rounded. Much more rounded. It decided to wake him up. Naraku opened his eyes and found Kikyo's staring directly back at him.

"Either do something or get off of me." Naraku rolled off of her. Quickly.

"Why are you naked and in my bed? Again?"

"Why are a man and woman usually naked and in bed together?"

"I did not have sex with you. Not this time. Not the last time. You are trying to play with my mind."

"Believe what you will." Kikyo lifted the blanket and Naraku noticed the marks on her breasts, neck, inner thighs. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Maybe you did those to yourself."

"I was always a very athletic girl, Naraku-chan, but not a contortionist."

"I asked you not to call me that." He stood up and got dressed.

"If you are going to make tea, I would like some as well."

"Actually, I was thinking of something a bit stronger."

"There isn't anything else. You made a promise to me last night to stop drinking and you poured out all the bottles remaining in the castle."

"Nan da to? Why would I promise anything? Especially to you."

"Let's just say I had you in the palm of my hand at the time, and you were more than willing to give me anything I asked for. I want you sober and healthy, so that when I finally destroy you, you will be aware of it and able to feel the pain." Naraku went to sit by the window and sulk.

Kikyo stood, stretched and got dressed. "I notice you have made new kugutsu. Plotting again?"

"Always."

"I saw another baboon pelt in one of the villages in the mountains."

"So ka?"

"Hai. Someone had dyed the fur a lovely shade of purple, though. Or maybe it was more lavender."

"It wouldn't do, then. I cannot personify evil in a purple baboon pelt. What kind of person would dye a perfectly good baboon pelt? Especially purple?" Naraku shook his head. "Well, maybe someone like Sesshomaru. His fashion taste is a bit extreme."

"What kind of person would think a baboon pelt personifies evil?" Kikyo picked up one of the kugutsu. "Really, Naraku-chan, why do you bother with these when you can simply shape shift, like you did with Inuyasha and me?"

"If I shape shift that puts me in the middle of the action and at risk." He frowned. "I haven't exactly come out on the winning side in my recent encounters with Inuyasha and his companions."

"Ah, so what you are saying is that you are a coward."

Naraku glared at her. "What I am saying is that I am cautious."

"Wouldn't want to mess up that pretty face, ne? Almost as pretty as Sesshomaru. Maybe the two of you should move in together."

"He is busy with Kagura and besides he wants me dead."

"He will have to get in line behind the rest of us."

Naraku shrugged. "I've never played well with others. Don't you have anyone else you can annoy, onna? Like Dog-Boy?"

"Inuyasha. He is too boring and dull-witted. You are neither."

"I do have a question. If we have had sex, why is it that I have no memory of it?"

"Onigumo had the sex. You just provided the body. It's all a matter of common herbs mixed together in the right proportions."

"I guess there is no chance in my getting that recipe."

"None in hell. It was designed specifically for you anyway."

"Pity. Well, I have business to attend to, so if you will excuse me." Naraku stood up.

"I was beginning to wonder of you were going to do anything besides sit and stare out of the window. I will take my leave then, until my next visit. Tell Onigumo to wear the black yukata with the gold dragons. He will know what I mean. Ja ne."

"Sayonara."

*********

"Kagura!! Where in the hell is she? Kagura!!"

"Gomen kudasai, Naraku-sama. Kagura is still chained in the dungeon."

"Domo, Kanna. What is that smell?"

"I cooked breakfast, Naraku-sama." Kanna held up a bowl that contained something that looked as unlike food as you could possibly get.

"Ah. I am not hungry right now, Kanna. Where is Kohaku?"

"He said he wasn't hungry either and he left. What should I do with breakfast?"

"Bury it somewhere." He went to check on Kagura.

Kanna looked at her "breakfast" and decided to keep it in her chamber. It later developed into a small sentient lifeform with rejection issues and a hatred of Naraku.

"Kagura." She raised her head and glared at him. "I am going to give you an opportunity to return to my good graces. I have a bit more refining to do to my plans, then I will come back down and discuss them with you." He turned and left, leaving Kagura still chained and cursing.

Kohaku returned a short while later, carrying two chickens he had stolen from a nearby village. He put one in a small cage in the kitchen, then took the other out to the couryard to kill it. Naraku sat by the window and sipped his tea. He watched as Kohaku let the chicken go. It flapped frantically around the small courtyard, trying to find a means of escape. Kohaku stood and watched, impassive, then he beheaded it with his blade. Naraku smiled. Maybe he should let Kohaku have a little fun tonight and set him loose on a village. Too bad he had neglected to ask Kikyo the name of the village with the purple baboon pelt. Damned villagers deserved to die. He finished his tea, then returned to his chamber to work out the final details of his plans and prepare the kugutsu.

_Owari_


End file.
